Bubbling Out

Overcoming loneliness as a female leader-"I felt so unsafe... I lost my independence"

August 02, 2023 Emily Rose Dallara- Leadership Coach in Web 3 Season 1 Episode 27
Bubbling Out
Overcoming loneliness as a female leader-"I felt so unsafe... I lost my independence"
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

In this rollercoaster of an episode, I’m inviting you into my life to share a few of the trials and triumphs I've experienced, from learning to cherish solitude amidst the chaos of Covid in Saigon, to making my mark in a male-dominated industry and leading in Web 3. And guess what? I didn’t do it alone. Tune in as I share how I found solace, strength, and support systems that reshaped my journey, and how you can too.

Here's what's included:

  •  Learn how I navigated the stress and loneliness of running businesses, planning a wedding, and how I found comfort and strength in solitude. Plus, get a peek into how I spent my downtime with the doggies whilst Antoine was on his bachelor party! 
  • I reveal my experiences and strategies for making a mark in an industry traditionally dominated by men. Discover how asking questions, the right way,  lead me to significant strides forward.
  •  I also share with you the importance of figuring out your values and how building this can help you form alliances. This was a game-changer for my business and career success. Hear the stories of how I connected with business OG's and made a name for myself, and how you can too.

    Whether you're a seasoned leader, a newbie to the world of Web 3, or someone simply looking for inspiration on how to navigate the loneliness we can feel in Web 3, this episode is for you! Let's break it all down together. 



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Speaker 1:

Hi everyone. How are we doing today? I am having the most wonderful weekend of all time. It is 28 degrees in Lyon today, where I live, and Antoine is on his bachelor party. We get married in five weeks now. Yes, I am building two businesses, I have a podcast and I'm organizing a wedding, which is a bit bonkers. I just posted about this on LinkedIn. Actually it is a bit crazy, but it has been pretty chilled.

Speaker 1:

My preference for a wedding was it needs to be low lift, it needs to be close by and it needs to be in a sunny location. So we chose July. In Lyon, around the corner, everything that I have organized is literally within walking distance the florist, the hotel we eat at the place you get married, the wedding dress shop, the jeweler everything is within walking distance. It is so easy. It is my ideal, but I cannot wait. All the last pieces have fallen into place now, so I am very excited.

Speaker 1:

Yes, so this weekend, antoine went away and his bachelor party, me and the dogs, had some TNC stop, what the hell is TNC? Me and the dogs had some cuddle times and I was really embracing this whole being alone. And really actually being alone is something that I used to struggle with and when stop being alone is something that I used to struggle with actually Just going off on a tangent here as usual but I used to live in Saigon, as you know, with Antoine and during Covid we were together 24-7 and during that time period it became quite an unsafe place to be for a woman. Now I went outside a lot because I was going crazy. We were allowed to go outside for like during the daytime, as long as we were not around people, so I used to go for runs and stuff. And when I was in a room one day there was a guy pervert. I won't go into details, but this happened like more than once, like three times, and it happened to lots of other women. And it's the thing in Vietnam at least we don't have violent crime in Vietnam, which is good, but you still have like this kind of stuff happening. And so as a woman, even though I'm strong physically and I'm pretty strong mentally, it still kind of drops into your subconscious that you're not safe.

Speaker 1:

Okay, so over time I started to feel a bit scared being on my own, going out alone. And then when we moved to France, I felt, oh my god, there's like more people around and there is violence in France and like, am I even safe as a woman? So I used to just go out with Antoine all the time and I didn't have my independence as much. I mean, I was independent, but I felt like I lost it. I used to travel around the world on my own, like without even thinking about it. I moved to Saigon on my own without knowing anybody, and so this kind of like feeling of not being safe was like in my mind and also because I had a bit of.

Speaker 1:

I was always terrified of like supernatural things and ghosts and stuff. And so when I had my whole spiritual awakening about a year and a half ago now, I was terrified when we moved into this house because it was so old it's 150 years old, it's in a UNESCO heritage site and I was like there must be some ghosts in here. You know, this is this is crazy. If there isn't any, like I would be lucky if we don't have a ghost. And I didn't believe in anything, like it was kind of one of these things where I didn't want to believe in it but I kind of did. I was like curious, like what if ghosts do exist? What if they hurt me, like all these kind of things. So I was always scared of one being outside and the people were going to hurt me to. This house was haunted. So, long story short, I got over that and, um, I worked with coaches. I worked with I self-coached, actually and I worked with a healer. I also believe in therapy, but at this point in time I didn't believe that was the right thing for me and I managed to get over this feeling of not being safe.

Speaker 1:

Fast forward to now, and this weekend was the first time I've been alone. I'm not even joking Like. I've been away on my own and Anton's been on his own with the dogs, but it's the first time I've been on my own completely with both the dogs, because we have a big dog who's a rescue. We rescued him from a typhoon in the middle of Vietnam, in Da Nang. He's a meat dog, meat dog, sorry, he stop Alex. He is a dog meat survivor. He got stolen as a puppy, we think and taken to the dog meat market. Someone picked him up, luckily, and then there was a typhoon and it flooded and it's a whole big story and so he's a bit erratic, my dog. He's the loveliest, kindest, most loving boy, but with other dogs he's a psycho, so walking him is very difficult. So being alone with one of the dogs who's difficult to walk, who's a bit better now Anton's trained him very well and Nikon, who is attached to me, who's got like severe social not social anxiety, what's it called Separation anxiety, and it was always a bit of a fear for me as well, like how am I going to handle them? What if people get angry because my dog's barking? I can't respond because my French isn't that good. Anyway, the dogs were perfect. We handled it totally fine.

Speaker 1:

I did so many things that I've wanted to do. I baked, I danced. I'm obsessive tribe called Quest I have been for years and it reminds me of Saigon and it's, if you know, a tribe called Quest and you're into your 90s rap, that vibe is Saigon. Just to explain very quickly, very cool and it's perfect when it's sunny and really hot. Here I meditated, I did ecstatic dance. I planned my entire week. I watched a movie I never watched movies. I read my books. I planned shadow work that I'm going to be doing with my clients. I've mapped out my group coaching program.

Speaker 1:

So many things. It was like I had all this time because I wasn't focused on being with another person, I was just like completely in myself. And so I texted Anton and said you know, you can stay an extra day if you want. He was like huh yeah. I was like, no, actually, I'm being serious. Anyway, aside from that, being lonely is always something that I struggled with. And how does this fit into Web 3? So when you're a leader in Web 3, when you first come into the space as a participant, it's very weird. You don't know where you fit, you don't know who to talk to, you don't want to ask questions because you think you're going to find sound silly. And if you're a first generation leader, like me, you have no fucking clue what you're doing. Honestly, like people come to me and say oh Emily, you know what you're doing, you've got so many things going on and I'm like this is practice.

Speaker 1:

When I got my first leadership role, when I was leading a big exchange, a big marketing department in an exchange, I didn't know what to fucking do. Like I just learned on the job. I was a senior marketer before that. I put processes in place that worked for me. I never had agency training. I never had traditional marketing training. I'd learned Web 3 on the job because I got through into the Web 3 space in 2016 as a marketing manager and had to learn from what resources I had at the time, which was not many. There was like block gigs. There was like block gigs Reddit. Literally, there was nothing else to learn from. Like you guys who just entered the Web 3 space are so lucky you have academies, you have courses, you have teachers I had none of that. So I just felt like I was this weirdo, this like person in the room who didn't know what the fuck was going on. I felt alone.

Speaker 1:

So, as you can see, this has been a bit of a narrative in my life. But when you First come into web three, the first thing especially if you're feeling a bit alone you don't know why, don't know why you fit the first thing I would suggest to do is get down your values. Right, I know this is not the usual answer, but get down your values, and I always come back to this why are you even in web three? What resonates with you? What is important to you? What emotions do you want to elicit from being in this space? What impact do you want to have? So what I usually do is look at all of the different Stop so, for example, my Values and the reason I'm in the space is I Truly deep down in my body, I feel it and in my heart, I want to help other people Live a better life and I know it's very cliche, but it's true. Right, if I can do something that helps someone else, then I'm fulfilled. I and literally I'm on this constant journey of how can I be better so I can help other people Constant, constant, constant and also put like inside don't also reminding myself that I can't help others without helping myself. So that's also a constant journey.

Speaker 1:

Now, in web three, what brought me into the space was the Granitarian aspect of it. How can this cryptocurrency called Bitcoin or Bitcoin cash or dash at the time? All these are low transactional, low fees and quick transaction cryptos. How could they help with the people? So I used to love working with Bitcoin comm and their podcast because they used to interview people like Ray Yusef if you know Ray Yusef, he's the founder of packs full and they work to enable and help adoption of crypto in the African regions.

Speaker 1:

I used to work on air drops in Venezuela. So when the Bolivar Bolivar like completely tanked, and there was no. No, no, there's a huge economical crisis going on over there. We were able to step in and support Because we had a form of currency that they could utilize in that moment. I remember we interviewed a sex worker and she I can't remember what was he Brianna, something I can't remember, I'll try remember later and she was a sex worker who used the QR code to get paid because at the time, she couldn't get paid. She couldn't get a bank account in America. It's like not a thing. So you know, they're doing like only funds. Right back in the day, they were not using only funds. They use something called spank chain. I don't think that's a thing anymore, but this was like a chain specifically for sex workers, and I think it's amazing, and I also love the fact that we can use web three and crypto Well more the blockchain tech for supply chain transparency.

Speaker 1:

For those of you who don't know me, I am obsessed with ethical production, manufacturing and supply chain, so I don't buy things that are not vegan and that are Using child labour come from China, for example. I'll come from any Asian regions that are not regulated and cannot prove that they did not use child labour. I bought my wedding ring from an ethically farmed jeweler Like we. We got the man-made crystals and the gold was mined in in a Like an ethical way right, fair, I think you call it fair mind. So I'm really Passionate about this. So the technology, the concepts, the use cases all fit in with my values of helping others. Okay, so step one is figuring out what that is for you, because then it'll help you to understand who you need to talk to and who you need to work with.

Speaker 1:

Unfortunately, I didn't find this out until way way into my journey, when I was working with, like Bitcoincom kind of set it off and I knew that. But because I wanted to progress in my career, I didn't really Understand how important it was to live with your values and live by your values. And so I went into exchanges and, yes, I learned a lot, but I always felt alone. I didn't feel like I had mentors, I didn't feel like I Could really speak to people, until I got into the bigger exchanges and I made alliances and I started to learn what works, to Feel like you're part of something. So, for example, when I worked with liquid, I formed alliances.

Speaker 1:

Actually, my BFF was the head of product, sorry, the head of marketing and the head of business. So I used to have meetings with these guys and I would say, hey, I need help, I don't know how to do this shit, can you teach me? And they saved my ass from trying to figure it all out myself when there was actually no resources to help me figure anything out, and from feeling silly from asking these stupid questions that, honestly, everyone says to you there's no such thing as a stupid question. That's until you are a woman in a room full of men, and I guess that people made up the no stupid question rule. I guess it was a man who made that up. Sorry, guys, but it's the truth. When you ask a silly question as a woman, you get a reputation of asking silly questions until you start to know your shit. And that's why and part of the coaching that I do is helping women gain authority, influence, helping them to understand how to ask the silly questions in a non-silly way that looks like they've informed themselves beforehand, and how to form alliances so they don't feel like they have to ask these questions in a public setting where they might be ridiculed.

Speaker 1:

We don't want that. I know this all sounds quite negative, but it's not negative, it's constructive. Stop, I know this sounds quite like oh God. As women, we're more lonely. We don't really have a. Stop, alex, I don't know where I'm going with this. I'm literally just freestyling.

Speaker 1:

So, to start feeling lonely, create alliances in the role that you're in. Sit down, figure out, okay number one Am I in the right role? Does this role align with my values? And if you're a values, that may be security, right. Is this job giving me security or is it causing me insane anxiety because I think we're going to get laid off tomorrow or I think that the company is not going anywhere? Right, figure this out first. Step two why don't you feel like you are in the right place? Figure out if you can make alliances who can support you. Feel like an army of people who've got your back and they will help you then to get buy-in. So you're not lonely and you're not alone. Stop, so you're not alone in these pitches that you have to do.

Speaker 1:

So, for example, if you're a leader, you're a COO right, it's your job to go and get the KYC in place, the infrastructure, the regulations, help to lead funding rounds, all that kind of stuff. Yes, you might have done that in a previous life in Web 2. This world's very different. We have different personalities, we have different processes, we have different ways of working. If you don't understand that, first and then you take your old way of working to a founding team, you are completely on your own, and first instead you go to the rest of the team, make alliances, understand if it works or not, then take it to the founded team. You're more likely to get the buy-in. Is this making sense? I'm constantly freestyling here. I don't have scripts. I only have scripts if it's like a to-do list that helps you guys and you can take it away and use it. But these are like real freestyling. So this is kind of what I do. Hope it makes sense.

Speaker 1:

So, in terms of loneliness as well, I found that women come in and guys come in and they don't know where their place is. They don't know who they can talk to to ask the questions, to understand what jobs to get, to understand like, how do I raise money for my business, and so I'm very fortunate that I've always been this kind of person who seeks out other people. I want to make sure that other people are available to me and that I'm available to them. So I've built out communities. I have created relationships with guys and girls stopped, with men and women who have big businesses, who have run funding rounds, who are in accelerators, who do research, who have big marketing agencies. My goal is to connect with as many people as possible and support them, and then they'll support me in return.

Speaker 1:

So make sure that you find a community that feels right, that is in line with your values, that you can use to create alliances and maybe have a bit of a network effect, get referrals, learn from and stop, and once you've found your communities, you can then bring value to them. And so this is how I found that I've grown. My network is just by constantly being available for the people in these communities that I'm part of. So, for example, I'm in the Bigapai community. I've known these women for like four years and I know them in person and they know exactly who to pass to me, and I know exactly who to pass to them to kind of keep the ecosystem growing and moving. Without them I don't think I'd be where I am right now. So thank you, bridget, for creating the Bigapai. And then I've got my recruiter friends actually the male friends of mine in the Web3 industry are the best connectors. So I have an amazing guy that you've seen before, anders Anders connects me with everyone. He's amazing. He does introductions all the time and he constantly thinks like, okay, who can Emily help and who can help Emily Start building connections.

Speaker 1:

Okay, so just to rewind, if you're feeling lonely in this space, especially as a leader, figure out what are your values. Make sure that you're working or you're participating in a space that meets those values, because otherwise you're going to start to feel like this isn't the right fit. Then create alliances, especially if you're at a job and you're leading. Create these alliances to help you get buy-in, to help you get results, to help you get authority. And then maybe more, if you're a participant, figure out actually, well know if you're a participant and if you're working in the space. Figure out who your community are. Who can mentor you, who can you get a coach from? Who can you be part of? Is there any memberships? Are there any things that you could join to develop your career? So, for example, markteen Regan. She has a marketing course for Web 2 marketers to come and understand what the hell it is to be a leader in the Web 3 space as a marketer, try all these kind of things.

Speaker 1:

With this. It's kind of like if you put all these things into a mix, into a cauldron, like we were a witch, we put all of these mixes and these portions of community engagement, participants, participation stop Sorry, alex, dog barking. I don't think this makes sense, but keep going. So if we put all these aspects into the cauldron, we mix it all together, you're starting to form a support network and when you've got a support network, you're less likely to get into spirals of I'm not good enough, I don't know what to do, I've got no support, maybe I'll go back to Web 2, right, these spirals might start, but when you're part of the community, when you've got alliances, when you're getting support and results, you're less likely to spiral all the way down and get into a whole of self-doubt and fear.

Speaker 1:

Okay, I hope this was helpful. I have been through a lot of the things you're going through right now after having a lot of conversations. My clients who come to me have. My clients who come to me are literally a carbon copy of me, like three years ago, I would say so. I know that I'm the best person to help them, and I'm actually putting together research at the moment for a group program to help women feel less lonely, to help them have the support that they need, to make sure that they're getting coached when they might not be able to afford a full-time coach. So watch this space. If you would like to get more information on that and come and be my market research person, because I'm doing a bit of user research at the moment user research, client research at the moment just DM me on LinkedIn I'm currently running the calls at the moment and in return, you'll get some free coaching. So yeah, I hope that was helpful. Let me know how. Stop. Let me know if that resonated at all.

Speaker 1:

I'm doing more of these solo casts as Sarah. Stop. I'm doing more of these solo episodes. I love them. I feel like it's just me brain dumping and I hope it's helpful. I guess it's just like having me on the end of the phone. My friends get this for free, you guys. I hope that you benefit. Have a lovely day. I'll see you next time.

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