Bubbling Out

Are you actually the PROBLEM at work?

September 27, 2023 Emily Rose Dallara- Leadership and Mindset Coach Season 1 Episode 34
Bubbling Out
Are you actually the PROBLEM at work?
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

Feeling like the 'problem child' at work and constantly trying to keep everyone happy? Tell me about it!

**If you literally lol'd outloud at this but honestly you don't know, listen to the episode and then sign up to my mini-course " Web 3 Leadership Essentials" to help you figure this sh*t out.**

Join me as I share how to do some deeeep reflection and start to take responsibility for building trust and stop rushing through everything in the workplace. 

I share personal experiences and lessons learned from clients, and throw out some straightforward strategies to identify if you're indeed the problem and how to fix it within your teams. 

It’s the usual real talk with a touch of humor and a whole lot of coaching insights.



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Emily:

In these situations, my clients don't want to think that they are the problem. They don't want to think that they're at fault or that they're not getting on with people because there's something that they might be doing. Now I can always relate with them when they're having this conversation with me, because for a long time I thought that I wasn't the problem. For me, it's even been as far as understanding that I can't come into a team and expect to just fit in. Hi everyone, welcome to the Web3 Thrive podcast. I'm your host, emily Rosdellara. This podcast was designed to give you the confidence, knowledge and clarity needed to succeed and lead in Web3. I teach proven strategies and tactics you can apply immediately to become confident and successful working in Web3. So take 20, plug in and learn how to really thrive in Web3. And if you like what you hear, leave me five stars and subscribe and Spotify or follow on Apple Podcasts so you never miss an episode. You can also sign up to my newsletter to get exclusive content, tips and strategies to help you thrive at work without the burnout and formal, direct to your inbox each week. Plus, you'll get full access to exclusive leadership and coaching, q&as, free workshops and all the Web3 Thrive podcast episodes in one place, so just head over to learnweb3thrivecom forward slash newsletter. Let's get into today's show. Hi everyone, welcome to Web3 Thrive. Today I wanted to speak to you about an episode that was inspired by my own experience, as always, and it's actually inspired by some of my clients too. I'm wondering if this phrase resonates with you when I say Everybody else is the problem. Now, when clients come to me, I hear a story about their boss, their teammates, everybody else being addicted to them, everybody else not creating a nice work environment, being cold, being off right. I see lots of people, lots of clients, telling me that everybody else is making them feel bad. They also tell me that they have been trying really hard, that they've been doing their best, that they've been trying to get results, and they also tell me that they think that the way they've been working is there's like no problem. They don't know what the problem is right. And to them I say what if you were the problem? Okay, now think about that. Currently, in these situations, my clients don't want to think that they are the problem. They don't want to think that they're at fault or that they're not getting on with people, because there's something that they might be doing. Now I can always relate with them when they're having this conversation with me, because for a long time I thought that I wasn't the problem. I thought that everybody else has just been mean to me and that I was a new girl, or maybe just because I was a woman in this space, trying to do my best, trying to get results and like nobody else understood what I was trying to do. Right For me, it's even been as far as struggling with cultures. So when I worked obviously I worked in Asia for a long time, understanding that I can't come into a team and expect to just fit in as a leader. I can't come and make all the changes I want to make, because that's not how the culture works.

Emily:

Now a story for you. I was working in a well-known exchange and had all these plans. I could literally see what needed to happen. There was like no question about it. This is you've got a problem. I have the solution. Let's make it work right. I knew all the processes that need to happen. I knew the people we needed. I knew the budget we needed to spend. It was super simple. I started this process For a while.

Emily:

I got good feedback that, yeah, brilliant, things were working in the right way. Then, slowly, slowly, people started to not respond as well. They seem to be irritated on calls, or they seem to be defensive, or they seem to bring their own ideas. When I spoke with the chief of staff who I had a really good relationship with and it was kind of her role to be in the middle I said what the hell is going on? Right, we've got a plan. People don't seem to be on board with it. I don't understand what's going on here. She said, emily, we are a Chinese culture and that requires relationship building before taking action. I said okay, now it all makes sense.

Emily:

The real problem is that I've been creating this chaos without people even understanding that they could trust me or whether I can even do a good job. Right, coming in and doing things in the Western way just didn't work there, okay. So when I stepped back and basically the idea was that when you go into the business, it's like you don't really do any work. You listen and you learn, which, of course, is something I did but you do it without taking action. You do it without actually doing anything, but I've always been in a very solution-oriented, results focused. That's just my personality. I really struggled with that. I really was like what do I do now? Do I continue? Do I just sit back and do nothing? And in the end it was a mix. Right, I realized where I've been going wrong and I caused corrected and it helped a lot. It especially helped have someone on side, which I talk about quite a lot, creating these alliances.

Emily:

Now, this I see this has happened to me a couple of times in the past and I just see it replicated again and again with my clients. They come to me, they've got a really big job. It's like maybe the first leadership role either in Web3 or Tech, and they're so excited and they just want to get results. They just want to prove themselves and as they're trying to prove themselves, they're coming up against roadblocks. So this might be not getting the buy-in that they need to do something, people not replying to this like messages. It might be them rubbing up people the wrong way, right, or them not getting the response that they expected from the people who hired them, and sometimes they get fired right or they get laid off. It's very much a fine line and when you go into a business, it's so important to understand where that fine line is, and instead of focusing on I need to get results. Let's zoom out and see where that line is for you in this business.

Emily:

Now, this also comes down to being somebody who would like other people to like them. Now I am a, as they say, a recovering people pleaser, and you might not think that you are a people pleaser. In fact, I didn't ever think that I was a people pleaser. I just thought that I wasn't good enough. I never thought I was a good, no. So I thought that I was just constantly trying to do better so I could feel good enough. In reality, I was just trying to fit in. I was just trying to get people to like me, and it's normal, right. If we think about how our brain works and how we were as cavemen, we just tried to fit in, because if we didn't fit in, if we weren't part of the pack, then we would die right. So it's our brain's way of keeping us safe. It's also layered with conditionings throughout our childhood and our adulthood.

Emily:

But I want you to start having to think about why are you taking these actions that are causing a negative impact? So usually my clients come to me and say they want to prove themselves. Because if people, if my clients, prove themselves, people will like them. They are validated, they are secure, they have a job, they have money. And if that doesn't happen that first bit, where they're validated and people like them the people pleasing bit then they're going to get fired. Right, it's just. It's like it's as black and white as that.

Emily:

So what they don't realise is, by doing all of this people-pleasing and trying to get results and trying to get people to like them, they are inadvertently pissing everybody off and it hurts Right there in this space where everyone's annoyed at them. They don't understand why they're like causing chaos and they just they just don't get it right. So this is a space that I've been in. This is a space that I can understand you guys are probably in sometimes, and the reason I know this is because many people come to me with the same challenge over and over again. So if you feel like you are and people please a phase, if you feel like you've got into a business and you're just trying to get results and it's not working and you just literally Don't know what to do anymore because you're worried you're gonna get fired with every single thing that you do, it just keeps going wrong. There's a few things that you can do to solve it, and it's actually the exact same thing that I did, and it's the exact same things that my clients start to do.

Emily:

But before I go into it, have you subscribed to the show to continue reaching more people who could really benefit from the episodes? I just need a little favor. If you haven't already, please hit the follow or subscribe button and leave a review on the Platform that you're listening to this show on. By doing so, you not only help me to grow, but you also help everybody else who finds web 3 and thrive as a result of it. Even better. You can send me a screenshot on LinkedIn or Insta and, as a thank you, I'm going to send you a freebie that no one's got access to yet. Back to the show.

Emily:

So Step one how to figure out if you are the problem. Okay, so, at the very top, things are going wrong. You don't know why. Let's see what's going on. First of all, you need to get a bit of awareness into the situation. So here's a few questions that you could ask yourself, and it's actually the questions that I ask my clients quite often.

Emily:

Have I considered what the other people in this company want, right. Have I considered what other people want? We could go as far as what do they need as well, right, but want is surface level. What are they looking for from you? Now, they might not be the hiring manager and you might not even think that they have anything to do with what you're doing, you might not report to them, but if you're collaborating with people, they have expectations of you and have you ever considered what those expectations are and how you're going to meet them? Okay, so deep one. That's question number one. Number two have I taken the time to build the relationships needed for change? Okay, so we can go in and we can build the processes and we can have this idea of change and growth and strategy. But have we even thought about the relationships? Part of that Like a lot of the time we go into and we strategize and we're like, okay, boom, let's execute. But relationships is a big chunk of that. If you don't have the relationships in place, who's going to come to you and support you with this strategy? Who's going to help you to get buy-in for the strategy, right? So these relationships are so key to not just getting the strategy executed, but helping you to get the buy-in and helping you to get support from the rest of the teams and the members of the business, however big the business is right. So have a think about that.

Emily:

The third question is how have I communicated changes that I want to make? Now, what I see very often is and I've also done this you come in. You have an idea of what needs to be done. In fact, as part of the process, if you're a consultant or if you're an employee, as a leader in the company, you've come in and you're like boom, I know exactly what needs to be done. These are the dates and these are the results we're going to end up with, but usually we express them through a Google document or a slide deck, don't we? We get people in a room who we may have never met and we'll say, okay, based on your problem, which is X, we're going to do this solution, which is Y. Okay, help me do it. So you're just going in and you're saying help me to do this or even worse, this is what we're going to do. This is how things are happening now. Can you see where I'm going? How have you communicated the changes? Has it been in this way or has it been in a way that's more gentle?

Emily:

Have you considered the relationships you needed to build to bring this information to the table? As a simple example, once you've done an audit of the company, or whatever your role is, if you're going in as a marketing consultant, have you spoken to the marketing team? Have you understood what they're doing? Because the people who've hired you may not have full insight into the marketing team this is my experience anyway. They might not actually know what's happening, they might not understand where the blockers are. So your role would be to go in and speak to the marketing team first and say hey guys, what is the real problem? This is the problem they've told me about and these are the results I want to get. How can I help you? And that's where you start to build your case, and they will then be on board to help you build the communication of the strategy and they'll also support you on the execution. Then, because you've spoke to them, you've included them, you've got them on your side, you've done this really necessary step before telling people what you're going to do.

Emily:

And, in the case of, if you're a C-suite. If you're a CEO, coo, cmo, I want you to consider am I making decisions based on fear right now? So I can definitely put my hand up and say I was making decisions based on fear, because at the time I had not worked on my scarcity mindset and by scarcity mindset I've spoken about this before I mean the fear of being without, the fear of not having money, the fear of being desolate. I've let this fear come in my brain and it's forced me to do things that haven't been in my best intentions. So I will say that when I spoke up in meetings, it was from a defensive space versus a objective space. I was looking at everything as if it was like a personal attack on me. If I didn't get this right, then I would fail, I would be desolate. So I was making decisions based on fear. I was speaking and making statements and speaking up in meetings and doing things based on fear which caused problems with the team. Consider that.

Emily:

And then a really powerful question to ask is who would I be without that validation, if there was no one to tell you you were doing a good job, and if there was nobody to say that your idea was good or not. Who would you be without that validation? Now, this is a big one and this is going to trigger other people pleases here, and it triggered me when I was doing this work, because at the end of it, you're just there with your own stories. If you're not there to please anyone, why are we doing things in the first place, right as people pleases? So that's something to reflect and consider. I don't have the answer for you on that one. That is very personal and unique. Once you've done this, I'm hoping you'll have this level of awareness and then you can start to take a bit of action based on the answers that have come to you.

Emily:

Now, something that I always tell my clients is take things slow. There's no rush here. And if there is a rush, you have to consider is this what I want? Do I want to work in this rushed way? Do I want to work from fear? Because rushing is fear a lot of the time. When people are rushing products to market, it's because they're scared someone else is going to take it to market. When people are rushing a marketing campaign, they're scared that someone's going to take their market share Right. Do you want to be entangled in that cycle of fear. If not, you can take it slow. You can observe, you can work with the people who you need to work with. You can build the relationships.

Emily:

Now, the steps that you can take today, once you've got this awareness, I will say if you haven't got that clear level of awareness of what's going on, go through these questions first. But, moving forward, I want you to notice when things keep going wrong and where you are blaming the external parties. Okay, just in your day-to-day, have a look at. Okay, I don't know, mary in the marketing team isn't replying to me. Oh, she's ignoring me. Okay, so you've made a story in your head. She's ignoring me because she doesn't like me. Okay, and then if your marketing campaign doesn't go well, it's because Mary ignored me. Okay, I want you to start noticing when things are going wrong and who you're blaming. And then I want you to consider how you're going to take it slow. Like I just mentioned, the best advice I give to clients is take it slow.

Emily:

So I want to imagine that you are walking into your new school. You're a kid, right? Maybe it's your new primary school and you don't know anyone. What do you do first? Imagine you're stood in the playground. You don't know anyone. You're like a bit nervous, like, oh, my mom's not here, I don't know what to do. What's the first thing that you do? Well, maybe you notice that someone's got the same pencil case as you and you run over to them and they're like, hey, I love this pencil case, I've got the same one. So you're finding someone you relate with and you're forming an alliance. Do that first. Maybe it's joining the dog group or the pet owners group on Slack and building alliances and sending each other dog pictures. Right, that's finding a common ground.

Emily:

Next, I want you to find out what they want. What can you do to help them get what they want? Then, help them achieve that first. Before you ask anybody for anything, figure out what you can do to help them first. Okay, so notice when things are going wrong and you're blaming people, take things slow and help others first.

Emily:

Now I can hear your brain whirring right now and you're probably thinking, yeah, but I need to get results. Okay, this word's always here Results, results, results. I'm just trying to get results. What do results even mean? Okay, so you could put it into a contextual space of okay, results might mean the business is going to grow by X amount, or I'm going to smash these marketing campaigns this week, or we're going to do a successful sprint.

Emily:

Right, put these into a smaller chunk, and this is how I build goals of my clients. We chunk everything down really small and then we look at what's important. Are the business results important right now, or it's filling that nice chunk, that relationship chunk and that communication and trust chunk more important. In fact, without it can you even get the business results? So use that to help deflect this story that you're telling yourself about business results, and what you'll find is, with the right communication about what you are doing and why, to the right people, you're going to start to gain that trust. You're going to build the right relationships and then, overall, you're going to create sustainable business results together. You're not the one who's going to lead this business to success alone. You need everybody else. Even if you're a small handful of people, you're going to do it together. So why not improve the relationships and the trust first, so you don't end up in a situation where everyone's pissed off at you and you're blaming everybody else when really you're the problem Now I hope that helps.

Emily:

As always, send me a DM if this sparked anything in your mind. Keep following me on LinkedIn, because I post about these kind of things on the daily and I will speak to you next time. So that's all I've got for you today, as always. Thank you for listening. Don't forget to drop me a review and subscribe wherever you get your podcast and head on over to Instagram and TikTok at Emily and Web3 for daily content to help you thrive in Web3. Also, feel free to drop me a DM, a message or a question. I am here to serve you. See you next time, thank you.

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